Stack of Spines

I’ve always wanted to write a memoir of my own someday, so I’ve been reading these lately and thinking about what I’d say about my own life.  Sometimes I look for that vanilla “human connection” everyone talks about, and other times I want a laugh.  Any good memoir will tell you something about yourself or a relationship in your life — something you haven’t heard before or haven’t fully appreciated until that author’s words captured you and zoomed your brain into focus.  That’s what I like most about them.  My suspension of disbelief radar gets out of whack sometimes and there’s only so much fiction I can take.Growing up in the Midwest with a lot of (excuse me for being brutally honest here) redneck and ignorant family was a stark contrast to my college life in Boston where everyone was working towards something and being different and opinionated was embraced.  I think that’s part of why I related to this book so well — my family is full of people like Barrett, people who see everything in black or white, and my friends are a lot like Sophia, where grey colors everything in a different way.  Neither is necessarily right or wrong, but if you expect to untie the knot between them, both sides cannot be playing tug of war or else the knot will only become tighter and harder to untie.

And so, without further delay, here is my book review of Love in Condition Yellow: A Memoir of an Unlikely Marriage by Sophia Raday. I highly recommend it. And my apologies to those who are regulars on GR and already saw this review. I was nervous that my first giveaway would suck the big one and I’d have trouble being honest about it when I sent my feedback to the publisher.  Thank goodness that didn’t turn out to be a problem!

Raday captured me from the very beginning and I was able to relate to her instantly when she describes:

Hiding my feelings in intimate relationships comes naturally to me.  I grew up with an older brother who got my parents’ attention by acting out, so I took the opposite approach.  I got straight As, walked the dog, made the beds, helped with dinner.  This made my parents happy while at the same time allowing them to focus less and less on me.  Somewhere along the line I got the idea there was something about me that did not inspire care.

I think that is a very common thought among women and one that can wreak havoc on a marriage if not identified.

Throughout the book, I admired her activist spirit and willingness to stand up for what she believed in and say what she felt, even amongst opposition.  I think she finds a nice way to balance her former life and her future.  As women, I think we’ve all had moments like she describes where she wakes up and wonders what has happened to her.  Despite falling into what seems like a very traditional role from the outside, Raday maintains her sense of self and pursues her own interests while being careful not to compromise Barrett’s.  At first I was annoyed and thought she might be giving more than she was taking, but I thought more about marriage the way she described it, in terms of ensuring that both partners are actively trying to be the best person they can be in parallel, and that it’s OK not to have exactly the same thoughts or agree upon everything.  The more I thought, the more it made sense; it worked for them.

Marriage being about sacrifice and balance was a strong message.  Raday describes the natural and poignant emotions of being pushed and pulled in all directions of two polar opposite lives becoming one in a poignant and satisfying way; I could feel her frustration at each turn.  At first, she feels like she has given up too much for Barrett and then at the end, when each of them seems to finally hear what the other needs,

I take a deep breath and my body fills with cool mountain air and a blend of hope and sadness.  I am amazed how gentle, open communication transforms the differences between Barrett and me.  It is not that honestly talking makes us agree or see the world the same way, but somehow it changes the distance between us from something vast, hard, and impenetrable into something softer, something approachable…

it all comes together; husband and wife do not have to agree to solve problems.

I’m not sure how she dealt with all of the juxtapositions in her life, and I am amazed she made it through (relatively) unscathed.  I really enjoyed this book and all of Raday’s perceptions.